Food for Thought, or, New Things to Do with an Eight Inch Sausage...

Brought to you from the desk of MTG Co-Founder Lucas Maloney...

I read a lot of newspapers. Over the past couple of months I’ve noticed a developing trend. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions…

Fresno man arrested in spice, sausage attacks
Associated Press
Monday, September 8, 2008
(09-08) 04:00 PST Fresno --

Fresno County authorities have arrested a man they say broke into the home of two farm workers, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says the suspect, 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez of Fresno, was found hiding in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks.

The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Burrimond said money allegedly stolen in the burglary was recovered. The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

Man accused of battery by sandwich
Copyright 2008 by United Press International
This news arrived on: 11/19/2008

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a man was arrested after allegedly striking his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving.

The police report of the incident alleges the 19-year-old victim picked up Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, from his mother's home Friday and began driving to their new apartment in Fort Pierce, Fla., while their 7-month-old son slept in the back seat of the vehicle, TCPalm.com reported Tuesday.

The report said the victim claims Rodriguez became angry during the ride and "started to hit her in the arm and striking her in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off her face."

Rodriguez admitted arguing with his girlfriend and was quoted in the report as telling officers that he "didn't want to hit her so he threw a sandwich at her, striking her in the face (and) knocking her glasses off."

Police said Rodriguez was charged with domestic battery and child abuse. He was released from the St. Lucie County jail Saturday after posting $7,500 bail.

Man wielding plastic candy cane subdues attacker
Friday, November 28, 2008
(11-28) 14:13 PST Sacramento, CA (AP) --

A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home.

Police spokesman Sgt. Norm Leong says the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived.

He says the 49-year-old suspect became intoxicated, went over to a neighbor's home on Thanksgiving and began waving a kitchen knife at people gathered on the lawn.

He cut several peoples' clothing before one of them decided to fight back.

Police say the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

Man allegedly assaults girlfriend with burger
Thu Dec 4, 11:28 pm ET
Associated Press

VERO BEACH, Fla. – A Vero Beach man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. An Indian River County Sheriff's Office arrest report said a 22-year-old man and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home.

The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

The man was released on $1,000 bond Wednesday.

I’m just waiting for an armed robbery with a Fig Newton… or if someone really meant business, durian fruit. For those who might not be in the know, durian fruit is an Asian “delicacy” known for its repulsive odor and even worse taste. A quick online search will yield many colorful descriptions. I like to think of it as a nice balance of garbage rotting in the sun, road kill, and forgotten onions in the back of the pantry. This smell is so potent that a frozen fruit ball enclosed in a Tupperware container, shrink wrapped, and in a freezer bag still leaves a detectable scent. As far as texture goes, Durian’s stringy pulp is akin to a hybrid of pumpkin flesh and puss custard. Hungry yet? It is one of those rare foods that not only has a strong aftertaste, but an unavoidable “pretaste.” So, if you need some serious edible arms, a unique way to celebrate a special occasion, or just feel like clearing a room and making yourself sick in the process, look no further than the mighty durian.

Suck It Wimps: Bringing Down "The Human Condition"

Let’s get something straight, right from the get-go: This is Molotov Theatre Group. It’s not Snuggle Bunnies Theatre. It’s not Care Bears Theatre. People looking for their share of warm fuzzies or deep thinking can just hold hands around the campfire with all the other navel-gazing space cowboys.

This ain’t your mother’s theatre company. Don’t come around here looking for spiritual insight into our place in the cosmic muffin. We don’t buy it, we don’t sell it, and we sure as hell aren’t going to waste anybody’s time pretending we have the answers – or that we care what the answers may be.

Molotov Theatre Group was founded because we were tired of the boring, clichéd “struggle to understand the human condition” that every second or third theatre company on the planet claims as its birthright. Screw that noise. Why bother wrapping a riddle in an enigma in a baloney sandwich?

Why ask why? Shit happens – sometimes for a reason, sometimes for no reason at all. People hurt people. Stuff gets broken. Things fall apart. Do you really want to waste your money on figuring out that crap, when there’s much more gut-busting crap you could be spending your money on? If not, then great, you’ve finally got a place to go: Molotov Theatre Group.

When the founders of Molotov realized we all had the same interest in the nearly forgotten tradition of the Grand Guignol French theatre of horror, we knew we were on to something. This was theatre for the common folks. Horror, disease, degradation – the regular shitstorm of accelerated weirdness that spells out every clock-punching hour of life in the world today.

We are the farthest thing from a critic’s darling. Molotov’s work has been called out in the press as “sophomoric,” “gratuitous” and “disappointing.” We’ve even turned off some people because they say we don’t respect our audiences.

Hell, yes, we’ll play that game. Look up the word “sophomoric.” Hey, don’t even bother, we’ll do it for you: “Conceited and overconfident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature.”

This from the bunch who think they can get insight into the “human condition” from a play. Excuse us while we take a moment to sigh.

Sigh.

Look, if you want to spend your time thinking about stuff that can’t be answered, more power to you. To you, we probably do come across as sophomoric, gratuitous and disappointing, because we don’t expect to have the heavy knots untied and laid out on a silver platter in 90 minutes plus intermission.

We don’t explore the human condition. We hold a mirror up to the sweaty, anxious, paranoid dark side of each of us. We whistle in the graveyard, we laugh on the way to the gallows. We do it because that’s what people do.

The thing in itself is the thing in itself. We make the dark funny or creepy. Because of that, the light is brighter by comparison. So who respects the audience more – the moldy snoot who thinks the tough questions can be answered in a few hundred lines, or the person who shakes you by the shoulders and tells you to OPEN YOUR EYES, TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND, AND THINK FOR YOURSELF?

We’re not for everybody. If you think you can handle it, there’s a place here for you.

For all the rest of you wimps:

Suck it.